How to overcome obstacles at work when your personal life is suffering.

Don't act like everything is fine, it's not and that's okay

Okay, just breathe. This happens to everyone once in a while, you're not alone. Let's be real when shit hits the fan in your personal life whether it be a bad breakup, the death of a close friend, or anything in between, it really, really sucks (and even that's an understatement). My first bit of advice would be to feel what you feel -- if you want to scream, scream, if you want to cry, ball your eyes out. The worst thing you can do for yourself and others around you is pretending like everything is okay. That might work for a while but in the end, you'll just be digging yourself a deeper hole, filled with repressed emotions which often resurface themselves by hurting ourselves and the ones closest to us.

If you're like most of us and have to work through it, it can be even more difficult but not impossible. Here I'll go over a few tips on how to handle your grief while handling work. Let's go.

Understand your triggers

Triggers are involuntary, negative reactions to an environment, noise, smell, or another stimulus that makes you think of or relive the traumatic experience in some way.

First up is understanding what really sets you off and how to be able to mitigate it, especially in a workplace setting. For example, if you've just been through a traumatic accident where you and your dog almost got run over by a train, the "choo-choo" sound may set you off. If you work next to a train station you might want to invest in noise-canceling headphones or ask your boss if you can work from home while working through your post-traumatic stress disorder.

Other common triggers for those who've just undergone a traumatic life event can also include:

Loud, sharp noises like "banging" noises
Seeing someone self-harm or someone being harmed
Having to work in a similar environment as the trauma occurred
Certain smells or places

Triggers can emerge in a multitude of ways like:

Suddenly getting incredibly anxious but you don't know why
Feeling a sudden burst of rage
Breaking down and crying after XYZ stimulus occurs
Feeling unsafe or incredibly worried after something commonplace happens (like a balloon popping in the distance)

The better you can understand your triggers the easier it is to avoid or mitigate them. It's also important to be aware of what triggers you so you can be gentle with yourself in those moments. Can you imagine, suddenly feeling incredibly unsafe and anxious but not understanding why? How horrible would that be. The sooner you understand what triggers you and how to deal with it, the more empowered you'll be and the closer you will be to not letting that stimulus trigger you anymore.

Don't let work consume your life

This sounds pretty self-explanatory but easy to say, way harder to do. Some of us like to recluse into the corner of our room and watch Netflix re-runs until the sun comes up, others like to dig their heels into their work and put their horse blinders on and others are somewhere in between. Although this might seem like it's healthy, it's really not... Don't forget to care for yourself, especially when you don't feel like it. I'd recommend making a checklist of things and another list of challenges if you're feeling especially able that day. This will make you feel a sense of control and accomplishment. Yes, there are other ways to go about feeling that sense of accomplishment but this is my personal favorite (can you tell, I'm type A?). I like to break my checklist into 3 parts -- one having to do with moving my body, one to stimulate my mind, and another section that feeds my creativity and passions.

Here's what it looks like for me:

My checklist when I'm feeling like absolute crap

Mind:

Journal my feelings in the morning
Daydream on paper by writing different system operations that interest me
Write some affirmations or gratitudes
Read a book (from self-help to Harry Potter, I like to cover all the bases)
Complete a Duolingo lesson (or anything that gives me that small sense of accomplishment and ergo, Dopamine, the naturally occurring happiness chemical in our brains.)

Body:

Go surf
Do some yoga
Dance my little heart out
Workout or strength train
Go to the beach and walk around
Run or play volleyball

Spirit:

Say hi to some close friends (for me, I like to record a short 1 min video or audio message saying hey) I especially like this because usually my friends send one back in response and I get to see their beautiful faces -- I love it!)
Give myself a long hug. It works, don't knock it till you try it.
Singing and playing ukulele
Painting, specifically listening to a song on repeat and painting how it makes me feel

My challenge checklist is very similar but smaller:

Go surf at a more difficult surf spot that's more populated.
Start taking Taekwondo classes
Start horseback riding lessons again (I took them as a child for years and loved it)
Surf every day for a week
Drive to a surf spot on my dirtbike that I've been afraid to go alone because it's farther from home.

I like to have a little checkbox by all these challenges because when I check them off it feels really good!

Harness the power of your support system

Whether it's friends, family, or anyone else who falls into the category of your support system, call them, text them, talk to them, and lean on them. If you’re overly introspective like I am, then please hear me when I say, you are not inconveniencing them, they are your friends, family, and they love you. They’re here to help and we all need help sometimes — call them.

Take a break from social media

Doomscrolling is not on the menu! Stop aimlessly scrolling Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or any outlet that gives you instant gratification from seeing new information, endlessly.

It's easy to get sucked into the social media vortex, especially when you're feeling anxious about your work, life path, career, etc... But social media can be a source of stress and distraction--and neither of those things are very good for your productivity or more importantly, mental health.

When I'm going through something the last thing I want to do is put effort into literally anything, but that's not living, that's surviving -- barely. I'm not going to lie, the easiest thing is to just lay in bed and scroll on social media but again, it's not. fucking. good. for. you. Instead of stopping everything cold turkey, just set a timer and allow yourself X amount of time to mentally "check out" just don't make it an all-day thing.

Work with a therapist or counselor if you can afford it, or find someone you trust, to open up to

If you can afford to speak to a therapist, I encourage you to find a therapist you trust and feel like you could be vulnerable with. If, like many individuals, you've been personally victimized by your healthcare system through a lack of corporate support and funding for mental health necessities, I'd recommend finding a neutral third party you trust and can confide in.

The most important thing is to find someone who will listen without judgment.

If all else fails, consider joining a support group for people dealing with similar issues (like a PTSD support group). You may find it easier to talk about what's going on when there are others around who understand what it feels like to be in your shoes and can offer advice based on their own experiences as well as those of other people in similar situations.

You can't expect the same effort you did before the incident happened

The honest truth is that your regular workload will seem more difficult than before, so be compassionate and patient with yourself. Learn how to take time to breathe and center yourself so that you can still complete your priority tasks. Be vulnerable and let your coworkers or boss know about the situation at home, if you feel comfortable with it, so they can make changes as necessary to make your work life easier.

I'd also recommend:

Learning to say "no" more often - if it's not project-critical, think about not lending that extra hand while you're also dealing with emotional trauma
Delegate tasks that aren't "mission critical"
Try to send an email update instead of multiple, back-to-back, in-person meetings. These can be especially draining if you're just struggling to keep your head above water at work
Try apply new in-office hours if you can, this allows you to get more "deep work" done without being disturbed

How's your sleep schedule?

With any traumatic event, our sleep often suffers. Sometimes it's sleeping too much, and sometimes it's too little but both can have unwanted long-term effects on your mental health. The bottom line is, you can't be your wonderful creative, productive self if you're barely staying awake at work. Sleep loss has been linked with higher levels of stress hormones and inflammation (which increases the risk of chronic diseases like heart disease), as well as anxiety disorders, depression, and memory problems. You also can't be productive or creative if you're tired. If you're suffering from sleep deprivation and struggling to get through your workday, it's time to make some changes.

So, now that you've been pelted with the negative effects of not getting enough sleep, here are some tips on how to get those good Z's:

Reduce screentime 2 hours before sleeping
Read a book to fall asleep
Find a bedtime routine you can stick to
Consider organic scents or natural lavender, mint, or other herb packs you can hang around your bed to get your body to start winding down
Try some slow yoga or meditation (slow yoga so not hot Bikram or vinyasa flows which are considered quite energizing)
Make a bedtime playlist
No late-night snackies (I know, its hard but stay away from sugar, sweets, and salty foods if you want more hours in REM sleep, stage 4)

Do something you enjoy to relieve stress

If your personal life is suffering, take steps to relieve the stress. You could go for a walk or run, enjoy a hobby or spend time with friends. Do something that makes you happy and brings joy into your life. If things are really bad, seek counseling or therapy if possible--a professional can help guide you through difficult times and get on track again.

Take breaks during the day to relax and recharge

You need to be able to focus on work, but you also need to stay healthy. Here are some ideas for taking breaks during the day:

Take a walk around the block or into another building.
Go outside and breathe in some fresh air for a few minutes--even if it's cold!
Stretch at your desk (or take an actual yoga class).
Drink some water

Take time off when you need it

Taking time off is a great way to recharge and get your head straight. If you've been working nonstop for months, it's likely that the only thing holding you back from taking a break is guilt about leaving work early or going on vacation. But taking time off shouldn't make people think less of you, nor does it mean that they'll assume something terrible has happened in your personal life (unless they know about it). It's often a stigma we battle in American work culture and honestly, it's bullshit, so take your PTO.

As with any other obstacle, there are ways around this one too:

Ask for the time off in advance. If possible, try asking for three-day weekends or working from home on Fridays when possible so that people know what their schedule will be like during those days before they arrive at work.* Be honest with yourself about how much vacation time (or sick days) needs to be taken each year.* Consider taking longer than two weeks if necessary--you'll most likely feel way more refreshed after an extended break away from work.

Conclusion

Overcoming any traumatic experience is never easy, to say the least, but it is possible. Take it step by step and before no time you'll be feeling the ground beneath your feet, once again. Remember to be gentle with yourself and jot down some of these tips for later! If you have any questions or comments about this post please leave them in the comments section below. I believe in you!

-Kaileigh

Owner of Kayo Creative Agency